I was born into an orthodox Muslim family in Guwahati, Assam. My childhood was mostly good, living in a joint family. However, even as a child, I faced teasing and was called names associated with feminine characteristics. It was difficult for me to understand my feelings and identity during childhood. But looking back, there have been some incidents that helped me realize I have always been a woman inside.
Ever since I was a child, I used to dress up as a woman. Till the age of ten, I still cross-dressed. One day, my father asked me very politely, "There’s a term called ‘hijra’. Do you know what ‘hijra’ means?" I told him I didn’t know much about it. He elaborated on what it meant according to him and asked me, "Do you want to become like them?" I said no. He then told me to stop cross-dressing, and I didn’t cross-dress again until I was 20. I had internalized transphobia and thought that if I expressed my feminine traits, people would call me ‘hijra’.
As I went through puberty, I started realizing I was attracted to men. This was confusing because, as a man, I thought I should be attracted to women. These thoughts started giving me a lot of anxiety, and I felt myself falling into depression. One day, I Googled why I was so intensely attracted to men and discovered the term ‘gay’. It made sense to me that if I had the body of a man and was attracted to men, I must be gay.
I accepted myself as a gay person. However, after some time, my mother passed away. It turned my life upside down because the only person who supported me was now gone. My father didn’t accept me, and my relatives continued to tease me. But I accepted myself.
While in college, I sometimes questioned whether I was trans, which disturbed me due to my internalized transphobia. I instead sought refuge in terms like cross-dresser and non-binary. Everything was seemingly going smoothly until one day, when some of my relatives showed my cross-dressing pictures to my father. He got furious, and chaos ensued. I was beaten, harassed, and abused to no end. I even went to the police but to no avail. My family wanted to ‘fix’ me, but till then, I had realized that this is just who I am and I refused to change myself. That was the beginning of me becoming Shayra.
I felt that to succeed in my life, I had to leave home. I left home without a job, and while I thought my life would get easier when I moved, it got even more difficult. I had no money to fend for myself. I started doing mehendi as a business, but it wasn’t enough. Mehendi is very seasonal, and business was down at that time.
I had no other option and had to resort to engaging in activities that many transgender people do. I started providing escort services to clients. Most of the time, it was horrible. I got beaten up and harassed. I went to the police to file a complaint, but nothing happened. I had to survive and feed myself, so I resorted to these activities and earned little by little.
Eventually, I got a job at an NGO, where I’m still working. We work for the transgender community, specifically for their healthcare. I don’t want the community and future generations to face the challenges I faced at a young age. So we work really hard to help the community however we can.
Even now, I feel very alone because I’m not in contact with my family, and I don’t want to contact them. They have given me so much pain. I’m not even able to visit some places because going there would give me nothing but trauma. However, I want my family to see how I’m progressing and healing mentally and physically.
Talking about physical change, transitioning is a very difficult process. You are changing from male to female, and that suffering is very painful mentally. People will stare at you horribly. During that transition period, I had immense anxiety and was on anti-depressants. I was even having suicidal thoughts. This was due to many reasons. My life wasn’t going the way I wanted, and I felt very lonely. I had no partner or family. I used to think that what would happen if something happened to me? Who would care and be there for me?
I also went through big heartbreaks. I had a few relationships that weren’t exactly toxic, but they completely ghosted me out of nowhere, and our relationship came to a full stop. Overcoming those situations was also challenging. I took classes, did meditation, therapy, yoga, and manifested a lot. I’m a very spiritual person and believe in manifesting. I kept thinking that although something bad had happened, something good would definitely come.
Right now, I wouldn’t say my life is perfect, but it’s definitely smoother. I’m comfortable with who I am and proud of my journey.
To all my fellow trans individuals reading this, know that you are not alone. The journey to self-acceptance and finding your true self can be incredibly challenging, but you are valid and your experiences are real. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you, seek out communities where you can be your authentic self, and never let anyone make you feel less than you are. Embrace who you are with pride and confidence, because you deserve love, respect, and happiness. Your strength and resilience are powerful, and your story is important.
~Shaira Hussain
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